Sunday, May 22, 2011

Bosnian wedding and baby in a hot car

i had a lot of intense dreams through the whole 12 hours i was asleep last night, mostly due to this insanely painful migraine. but the dreams were odd and lush... but i cant remember most of them... I'm so distracted by pain. Thought I would put the most memorable ones up at least. Pardon my more lax and error-lade writing style. I just cant muster the effort.

one dream was the wedding of this girl Indira Hodzic. That's probably not her last name anymore because that was her married name when i met her. She Bosnian and used to work at MetLife next to me. She was interesting, must be since she's showing up in my dreams months after not working there anymore. We never talk now, and she's probably forgotten all about MetLife. Anyway, in the dream she was marrying someone else, a different guy than the one I remember seeing in pictures anyway. She wore a black dress, and for some reason I was one of her bridesmaids. I drove my old red Cavalier there and had my cousin Izziac with me. He's about 15 now but in my dream he was just a baby. I do really remember when he was born, which is getting to be an odd feeling. 
I had no car seat or any kind of child seat to put him in but there was a pile of clothes in the back he was all nestled in. For some reason I thought that was ok. He was barely a year old and just sitting freely back there, not even a seat belt. 
Once at the wedding, i scrambled to the front since it was already starting and I was worried i would mess it all up and make it look bad. It was an outdoor wedding and very hot out. People were splayed in front of a stage-like altar where the bride and groom were already standing and all the maids too. I ran up and realized there had never been set up to walk in with one of the groom's men. So it would have been an awkward unbalanced entrance regardless of me being late.
I stood too close to Indira at first, right behind them and slowly moved back trying to cover my mistake and not bring too much attention to the movement. Then the dream "skipped" and it was later and past the whole ceremony. I walked out into the crowd and wandered, saw a commotion far off. My mom comes blazing up to me with this worried/ intense look on her face. 
"Did you know you left Izziac in your car?" I suddenly felt a horrid, sinking feeling. 
"Is he ok? Did anyone get him out" I started running without waiting for an answer. On the way I thought, "How the hell could I just forget about him?"
I got to where my car was and saw he'd already been pulled out and people were surrounding him and fanning him, putting water on him. I broke through and sat on my knees in front of him, felt so sorry.... started looking closely at his face.
He looked hardly bothered, just a little flustered. I wondered how long he'd been out of the car and how hot he'd been. How bad did he look when he first came out? How much better has he gotten? Did he pass out?  I didn't seem to care how they got him out since they didn't have my keys and they likely had to break a window. I never even looked. 

Friday, April 29, 2011

a bull fell in love with me

update 5/4/11
this is the dream I was having the morning John Crivaro died. I wrote it later in the morning but before I knew he was gone. I think I was having this dream sometime around 7... maybe just before, between 6:30-7. anyway i had it after he died since he died just before 5am... exact time was like 4:53 or so the news article says. interesting kind of. i don't think this dream has anything to do with JM, just thought I should make a note. 

below text was written 4/29/2011:

i only remember one part.
field, farm belonged to someone. with Dan and his gun. He shot a huge bull lying down right in the face.
But he didn't die... instead the thing started raging and running around in a fury. of course it came right at me first, though i was uninvolved. of course that doesnt matter.
it was a massive 3 ton thing dark brown and running at me as fast as it could.
when it got to me i braced myself for the pain but then he just passed over me and left me unharmed.
he kept runing at me like that over and over without hurting me but with force and intensity.
then it followed me around and i soon realized it was trying to communicate with me. then his eyes looked so sad and i realized though he hadnt died right away when Dan shot him he was still dying... just slowly.
The bull followed me like it was in love with me and seemed to just want my company and comfort. but it always had this terrifying prescence and it coudlnt stop running and raging... it was difficult to see past and not let myself become afraid. it was probably something like Beauty and the Beast.
little streams of blood ran down his face from the tiny holes... it was a shotgun Dan had shot him with.
i put my hands on his head and he was steamy and warm. but he finally calmed and laid down again.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

VR from 02/16/11 (i know, awhile ago!) *math class and late homework.

Morning of 02/16/2011
Recorded 7:00-7:13am

I had a math class and it was in the same room that I had 5th grade in. I have a lot of dreams in the 5th grade rooms; I don’t know what it is about it. I guess we had 6th grade there too but it was 5th and 6th grade

It was on…same side that Mrs. Thompson’s room is on, but it wasn’t her class it was the next one down. It was college supposedly and it was a math class and I, my bag was sitting, I had a black back pack and it was sitting on the chair behind where the teacher came, when the teacher came in so I kinda felt like it was really awkward. Grabbed my bag and I sat down, pulled my math book out. I saw everyone was doing that and I saw papers sticking out of their books like we had homework and I realized, “oh yeah, she gave us homework and I didn’t do it” I hadn’t touched it; I hadn’t done it at all. It was like I’d just plopped in the middle of this and I didn’t have time to think about doing my homework at all. I just kept thinking like “oh no… don’t have it done” Then I opened it up and I saw all this red pen and it said Adam Waters at the top and I was like, “oh no, I have his homework, crap” But it was all completely done. Like what I saw was his book. And then I saw that I had two books so I looked at the homework and it had my name on it. He wrote my name. and then I noticed the whole thing was done. It was this long packet and then he’d done it for me like he just completely filled it out and finished the whole thing for me.

The first page was like regular math. The more I looked at it, the more I realized it was like, it seemed kiddish ‘cause by the end there were some drawings that we were supposed to do. And on the last page there was a couple parts that weren’t finished all the way. The last page showed a bunch of farm animals on it; it was themed. We were supposed to have drawings. He did some of them. It was like a dog in red, chickens, cows and stuff. And he cut out some of the pages so when you turned each page you’d have one little piece like a children’s book. He cut a hole through the middle so it was like progressively adds every time you turn the page. I was like, “that’s cool. Wow he really went into it.” But I noticed he wasn’t coming in. And it was taking me while to look at that and the classroom was so crowded. My desk was really up high. It was in my chest. My desk was right up against someone else’s: Ty Furnal. I actually went to elementary school, and high school, with him. He was sitting right next to me. It felt so crowded and I moved my desk over a little bit.

I noticed that he wasn’t coming in the classroom, Adam I mean. So I was wondering what was going on. If he was, if he was going to come in or not, so I could say thank you for doing my homework for me. It made me feel relieved, even though I thought it was his at first. I was like, “shit I need to give this to him.” But… and then I flipped it on the very, very back. And it said: “From Adam to Kristin” …like with a “K” or Kristine maybe… and it said 2001 or 2002, I can’t remember. Like it was something he’d already done. And so he hadn’t really done it all in one night or something. But it seemed like he did. It was like just the same packet or something he’d already had in the past and it was already done. He put a lot of work into it, and he gave it to someone but somehow he had it back then he was giving it to me to save my ass ‘cause I didn’t have it done. Now he would know that I don’t know. But it was nice.

Then he wasn’t coming in so it was almost like maybe, maybe he dropped the class ‘cause he already has this packet done so maybe he’s already done all this stuff. I remember thinking, “he would have all this done ‘cause he has a degree in accounting so anything math, he’d already be done.”

I should be more descriptive huh? …about what was in the book.

That’s all I can remember is the very last few pages where you were supposed to draw pictures. I remember thinking… ‘cause there was a bunch of lines on it like… and I was thinking, “why would you put a bunch of lines where you ask us to draw pictures?” And that part was blank and it seemed like, “oh that wasn’t done” I was like, “Ok, I’m gonna have to draw some pictures real quick so this is done.”

Then I turned the page and saw all of it drawn out on blank sheets. And then when I got to the back it looked really old, much older than the rest of the packet like the pages were more worn. It looked like it had been that way a long time, whereas in the beginning it looked like he had just did it with that pink pen. I was like, “I don’t know how he did that. How did he get this in my bag without me noticing? Without even being here either?” That’s very sneaky. It felt nice though like somehow he was looking out for me… looking…out…for…me. And the teacher was like sort of not a strong presence in the room. They were off to the side. At first it was like a male like some person that was sort of like Evan Feldman and then when they were at the front and it was like female and they were very unclear. But I wasn’t really paying attention, I was very focused on the book and my stuff and the fact that my homework wasn’t done.
I was thinking I would remember this dream but I probably won’t. I thought that yesterday and I didn’t remember. Now that I’m spending time to think about it and talk about it, I’ll remember. Just like the other one.

Oh, the dog was red. There was a cow. And the other thing was, oh, there were quite a few pages at the end devoted to all these pictures and he drew two animals like that where they were cut out. The first was, you saw only part of it and every time you turn the page it would add more. When you got about 4-5 pages you finally got the whole animal. It was like little piece here, turn it again, then it’d add something more and another little piece, turn the page again and you get another piece. ‘Til finally you got the whole animal. (clock radio alarm blares) Oops.

And then, uh, if he w... then he drew a second one but it was in the reverse order from that. You started with the whole animal and then you’d turn another page and it would start taking pieces away until you got the end, the very end of the book, the whole entire book …there was nothing. It was like just this little tiny piece…something on the very very last page. So he did two but they were like symmetrical like that.

His drawings were actually pretty good for what they were (phone alarm blares) Dammit.

I remember feeling really happy though, ‘cause it was so, it seemed so elaborate, seemed like such an elaborate way to help me out… to do something like that for me.

So that was the dream I just had before I woke up about ten minutes ago.

The other dream I had right before that was, I was in my old house (494 McKimber). I was actually getting ready for school so they were kinda connected but they were different, the themes were different, and the feeling… the overall general feeling behind the dream. I woke up in my bedroom. There was something with Doug, something that Doug said… but I can’t remember that… I just remember that I was waking up, I was gonna get ready for school and (Dan’s alarm from across the room blares) Dammit, fucking alarms. That one’s worse. I really hate when Dan forgets to turn that one off because it’s across the room.

Anyway, so I went up to go take a shower and our bathroom was different than it really was. There was no bathroom upstairs in that old house but I dreamed that there was one. And, it was like in the hallway where there were there wasn’t even a room. It would’ve cut into where the closet is, if they were gonna put a, actually put a bathroom there. It would’ve cut into the closet where the master bedroom is. I suppose it’s possible, but there’d be no closet in the master bedroom.

…Went in the bathroom and it was very cluttered, there was a lot of stuff in it and it had a lot of my mom’s stuff, seemed almost like her bathroom. (chair falls) my god the cats are going fucking crazy. They always go psycho as soon as I wake up. Anyway, I can’t even do this! I can’t even record my dreams this way because they have to be so distracting. Oh!

I remember setting out some clothes and feeling like I never had enough time like it was rushed to get ready like I didn’t have quite enough time and when I went into take a shower I never got around to it and I had to go to the bathroom so I already go to the bathroom but I missed and ended up pooping on the floor and I was thinking, “Crap, I have to clean this up. I can’t believe I just did that.” So I started cleaning it and it really oddly felt like when I clean up cat poop and it looked that way too. And there was just this mess and it was so disgusting. I was so annoyed about it, cleaning that up… and…so…cleaned it up and I went to clean part of the toilet and I noticed there was just jewelry sitting on the edge of the toilet like gold jewelry and just pieces like a ring, a lighter and pieces of things I was like, “why are these around the edge of the toilet?” I really don’t understand but I moved them over to the counter and by the time I got done doing all that there was no time for a shower so I had to just go get dressed and go to school and then it jumped to the dream I just said earlier.

I remember the jewelry though, the jewelry on the edge of the toilet and then me pooping on the floor. So weird, what does that mean?.... (phone alarm goes off again) [END]

White Rabbit
by Jefferson Airplace

Saturday, April 23, 2011

oozing melted sea creatures made from wax burst from a ship covered in cobwebs crash-landed in a field

in a large field a bunch of us were just running like kids and it was mid afternoon. i saw a giant tree sideways like it had fallen, except it was covered in what looked like thick spiderwebs. it was coated like a fuzz and looked creepy. the tree looked like one of those weeds, instead of a tree but giant weed like tree-sized. it looked gross. a girl ran up to touch it and we all told her she shouldn't. but it was too late. we were yelling, "no! stop!" but she punctured the surface of the spiderweb and hundreds of little spider came oozing out. and all over her... she panicked.
it looked the same way ants come pouring out of an ant hill if you disturb the dirt mound. the spiders were like insides of the cobweb tree.
then the tree appeared more like some sort of ship and there were figures coming out of the tops of the ship... like the holes that would be doorways leading into the cabins... but they were oozing out like melted wax... at first we thought they were alive and what was inside coming out to attack us. but then we realized that they truly were made from wax and were a man-made display and it was getting so hot inside the wax was melting. they were sea creatures in bright colors like an orange octopus with all its legs and tentacles. giant squid and starfish... all made from wax..  just fake and this misplaced ship in a field... like it was pulled by a giant right out of a museum and tossed into this field. the thick cobweb layer seemed to be the real threat.... and the tiny spiders.
they were the real "enemy" and represented alien life come to our planet. there was something more inside and those weren't really spiders.. only looked like spiders... but i was too afraid to stick around.

later i went back to town and everything seem unrelated to what i found.
there was a large ship in town too but they had nothing to do with with each other. this dream seemed separate. the ship in down was docked and part hotel. it was night by then so people were dancing and having food and there was music and lights throughout.
i went to the highest point in it and found there were parts of the ship i could see that you cant normally see if you're submerged in the ship. not paying attention having too much fun. my brother seemed to know this too and lots of other things. there was seaweed gathered in a hidden underpart and we were pulling it aside to find secret items. tossing it down to a lower part but then thought we shouldn't be moving the seaweed. there was so much more to that part but i can't remember.

the next dream was unrelated to that scene, riding in a car with friends and getting ready to stop by his house to get clothes. he lived with some other friends. i went inside and saw they had minimalist surroundings and it was slightly odd how they had almost no stuff. Dalton lived there for some reason and i ventured into his room. found a dark blue laptop and wanted to open it and look in it but was afraid of him seeing me do it and getting upset... i opened the lid anyway and it turned on by itself but he came through the door just then so i turned fast and started looking at this shelf, pretending to just notice him coming in and saying, "oh is this your room? nice." he walked over to his computer and shut the lid, i assumed he thought he had left it open himself. he gave me a video game to start playing: racing. at first i was making the car go the wrong way and didn't realize it. my car was simplistically represented by this tiny yellow dot and nothing more. it would zip around at unrealistic speed, more like it was cheaply made from plastic... like a metal ball in one of those mazes instead of an actual video game. i soon mastered it and was insanely good at it.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

cutting my own leg open but there was no blood

trying to get back home but lost. in some little town driving about.
pulled up paperwork for a policy (work creeping in my dreams i swear) it looked old like it was done  in the 1800s but the full name was Sue CEC ECE
the agent was named Robert born in 1969.

i was standing in a room nighttime with rows and rows of films, it was like a movie rental but it looked like a home. there was a light glow in the room as if only a TV were on and nothing else.
I had this bad infection in my leg so I started cutting the skin. i cut a slit from my ankle to just below my knee running vertical. I felt nothing, no pain. Inside there was this white foamy looking stuff that I thought was fat but there was so much of it that I realized it was the infected dead matter. so I pulled on it and it came out through the cut in one big blob. it was disgusting. but my leg felt better suddenly. it was weird since it didnt even bleed. and i never got around to stitching back up my leg.
this dream just had a lot of random unconnected scenes. i dont remember how my leg got hurt like that.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

ref dreams i havent had a chance to transcribe yet.... soon enough though.. but this bit for now:

My father isn’t my dad and my dad isn’t my father.
I just realized the dream I had this morning about Richard had mud and a house in the country as did the one about Steve. Only the mud was worse and horrible. But still… what does mud mean? And inadequate vehicles…

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


night of 03/22 morn of 03/23

my backyard at my old house on 494 McKimber. running, just at eve. white sky and dead grass. back by where the tire swing used to be, and our tree house. the grass is all flat and dead instead of grown hihg and flowy. there are two jaguars stealthing and hunting me and i reach up with a rifle and kill them both. it feels like a videogame when im killnig them. but returns to that same dreamy languid feel as soon as they die. when i walk up to them i see that they were only antelope the whole time. they lay dying and bleeding and i felt guilty.

Monday, March 14, 2011

my mom

also from this past weekend. probably Sat nite. so 03/13 dated

sketch for now:

baths water camping kiss
feeling of burden, laden heavy annoying bother
small task could not do for me, like i was a tremendous pain in the ass.
painful and alone

Thursday, March 10, 2011

dream of an emotion

dreamed of being in the apt w Dan, middle of day. satnding in the kitchen with this immense uncontrollably sad feeling. it was horrid. i just cried and cried. i've never felt that kind of sadness. Dan came in and i hid the feeling from him and he started asking me about a game in the living as he turned onthe xbox. i mumbled some replythen took off for the bedroom, still needing to cry.
but he heard a few outbursts and came after me. all i wanted to do was cry alone. i had a pink rabbit in my hand and two other things. small
i came to bedroom and said, "i dont knowDan! please leave me alone!" then woke

Thursday, February 24, 2011

i fell asleep at work... but only briefly.

Not that I'm in the habit of falling asleep at work, but I had a short dream Tuesday. What can I say? I slept only 3 hours the night before. So I nodded off for a moment.
...barely rested my head against my hand and suddenly I was launched into a three-second dream, which was intensely vivid and vibrant. I woke and gasped.

I had seen a simple living room, a large couch with a young girl seated on it. She has long dark brown hair. A bright golden cup lies on the floor, empty but nothing is spilled. It looks like a gauntlet; the gold is sparkly, like cheap fake decoration. Like it was painted on and not that the cup is made form gold. But it's so bright anyway, shiny, absolutely luminescent. She says nothing just looks at me sideways with those intense eyes. How can that much intensity come from a 4-year-old girl?

I've dreamed of this girl before, many times and I always feel strongly attached to her; there's something unique between us. some kind of fundamental attachment. it's like i know her so well, but i've never seen anyone like her.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


night of 2/19 morning of 2/20

all i can remember now is a large square room with hundreds of flowers lining it. and they were all so neatly placed about  in rows.. it looked somewhat like the iowa state fair tables. just the tables with plants though, just that alone. everything else in the room was so bare. and the flowers were so perfect and healthy.
the carpet was a light green and the walls alternated from pale purple to just white. the next room led to carpet with darker green and someone was in the corner. I started getting so excited about all the flowers, running like mad along the rows and picking them. i had bulging clutches of it in my fists and the tulips stuck out in my mind so much.. god the tulips. those bulbs were absolutely perfect and well-shaped. i had never seen such a perfect flower. looking at it, i suddenly realized the sense of forbidden it was giving me. and i sunk in shame and just then that person in the corner was right in my face, screaming at the loss of all the flowers i just killed by picking. it was so spontaneous and an exlosion of emotin... like manic spring-like bubbly-ness.... just absolutely bright and manic.
over-excited and bursts of energy, like the most alive feeling... but not in a joyous way. not in a lively beautiful furvorous way... it was more like unnatural as the atomic bomb.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

shot Kubla and Myron visit

vivid dream of dan having to shoot Kubla. reason is always unapparent at first. when i looked at Kubla, there was just a smoking hole through his neck after Dan had aimed at the head and meant to shoot him there. but through the neck instead and miraculously had missed the spinal cord and arteries. Kubla was still alive but badly injured. i felt this enormous sense of regret trying to go over in my mind, why did we shoot him in the first place? but could never remember. seemed almost out of our control.

the dream before that was in a gym or wooden setting like that... auditorium. Myron came in and we greeted each other warmly and i hugged him. it felt so real it was like he was here again. he died Jan 2 this year.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

zombies again. why?

another zombie dream last night, typical visuals and details.
this man bit this black girl in the face to infect her. she thought he was normal. he hadnt turned all the way to the point where he lost all control. he tricked her for some reason, felt like he needed to and was still able-minded enough to hold back from just attacking her full force with all that ravenous insanity. when his jaws closed sharply it looked like a snapping turtle.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

verbal dream (first one done this way!)

So, typing out dreams in the morning can be a chore especially when I've hit snooze too many times. My brain jumps to rushing to get showered and dressed and try to not go crazy listening to screaming cats who think they are just starving.
I sometimes just skip typing out dreams altogether. As an experimental solution, I decided to record audio of me talking just seconds after waking up. No computer, no screens, no keyboard. Just talk... like I'm telling someone sitting there next to me.
Later I verbatim typed it out while listening to it. It makes me laugh a little to see written out the way I speak in such an informal and sleepy way. do I really say "like" that much? geez!

Dream from the yesterday morning, Feb 07, 2011

DREAM  (as spoken in bed just after waking):
Going to the hospital to visit Ashley. And they had it controlled to visit the rooms, every room that you went to. And they guarded it and you had to wait. As soon as you walked in the door you had to wait. And they had it grouped off like it was some tourist attraction. You had to wait for the elevators. And they had a big platform and you go in groups and they’d group everyone together and put you on it. And then you’d ride in the elevator; they were one-way elevators. And it was like a wedge in the wall. Like diagonal. You couldn’t go back down the same route so it made it difficult for you to try and find your own way or sneak around. And I think the buttons, you couldn’t just find one of those elevators and get on yourself. And when I walked in the door…
On the way over I was riding in the car with my mom. We were looking at the houses along the way and we said something about grandma Janet living in that area. It looked like the Southside neighborhood. I got to the hospital and I didn’t have any pants on. Just what I wore to bed really, actually. It seemed comfortable to me at the time but when I got in the hospital everyone was looking at me so weird. Then it started to make me feel bad about it, even though I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it really. So I stood there and there was one girl, a black girl behind the counter on one of the first platforms, she said… she saw someone standing there with a symbol on his shirt and said, “You’re into Nelly aren’t you?” She was young, like 20. She went on about Nelly or something, in her black Ebonics.
Then I decided, if you knew what her room number was, for the person you wanna see, you could bypass all this and just go straight to that room. You could figure it out. So my mom showed up and Katy too ‘cause she walked in at the last second with Chloe, and she was late, kinda like how she always was for class at Grand View. She walked in and set Chloe down, Chloe kept kinda climbing in the back like she was going to go behind this wall. I tried to pick her up cause Katy left the room but she left Chloe. So I picked Chloe up but Chloe was sort of like, wanted back down. Didn’t want to be held. So I put her down and I remember she smelled like… well she still had a diaper on so she was younger than she really is in reality and she still had a diaper on and she smelled like pee like she needed to be changed. Then… there was another part in the dream ‘cause I decided to just break away from the tour group ‘cause you would wait so long. I know a hospital is just waiting around but you were waiting forever just to visit someone not to get anything yourself. It had got that bad, seemed like…ugh, just waiting to see someone, you have to wait forever. So I broke away and I was gonna figure it out. I was gonna find a way to sneak around. And then when I did that, I was, I turned “male” somehow. And I opened up a compartment that we came in but it started to look like a cave instead of a building like a real hospital. And it was a hole in the floor and I remember calling up someone I knew in the hospital and asking them, “what is underneath of us?” and he said, “you shouldn’t try it; it’s too far down. You’ll get hurt.” And he was almost like mocking me. And when I opened it, it looked like just rock and way underneath of me it was like a 50 ft drop. I really considered just dropping down and trying to get it but I could see how there was a ledge and if I missed that ledge then it was even further to fall which would have killed me. So I really wanted to take that way cause it was a sure way to get through but it was really dangerous. It was weird that it looked like a cave. So I went back to the room and noticed the whole tour group was gone. They had taken the platform. So somehow I found these other stairs off to the side and I got up to the floor above us, but it wasn’t the floor I needed. When I got up there, there was like, I think I had to maneuver through one of those one-way elevator things. Once the elevator is not in it, it’s just like this tunnel carved through the wall. And it’s at an angle… Anyway, when I got up there, there was this homage to something in the 1920s… something that had happened in that building like it used to be a different thing. It wasn’t always a hospital. I don’t remember what the event was but there were lots of pictures. I came to a different part of the building like I’d found some sort of extremity of the building that no one ever gets to, since I’d found such a weird way to get to it. I think after awhile I just left, instead of still trying. “Eventually I’m gonna get caught and they won’t be happy with me, they’ll be mad.” And I was frustrated too ‘cause I couldn’t figure out how to find her. So I left. But I didn’t meet up with my mom and I didn’t see her for the rest of the dream. I went walking through the neighborhood again, backwards order, looking at the same houses. And then the dream changed to me being with Dan and I was looking for the house that we’d want to move into. And there was one house that was supposedly supposed to be designated for us. And it was #... oh what number was it? I wanna say 705. Maybe. But there were people living in it already and it was like one of those old 70s style. It almost looked like, maybe even retro in a way. I don’t know. Like “moon style” something. I don’t know how to describe it. Dan hated it and he was like, “I can’t live there, that’s the ugliest house ever.” And so we kept walking down the street and…. There was one house painted a solid blue; it was a weird color. It was like paneling on the outside, looked like a trailer. What was at the end? The last part of the dream… I don’t remember.  Somehow I ended up in some classroom-like setting and, ugh… I’m starting to forget. I can’t remember now. I think that’s it. That was a really small part of the dream. It’s not that important. But someone, there was food involved somehow and someone was talking about the hospital and recounting what we saw over there. Something like that. The last part made me feel tested and inadequate and pretty much just that. It wasn’t very nice. Seemed almost mocking or exploitative or something. That’s it I think. 

Sunday, January 30, 2011

i wish i could just show you this one since it wont be that interesting to read about but visually it was like I'm on crack

dream 1
kubla giving birth to kittens in bed one goop messy. there were like 4-5 other people. pretty sure my brother was there. but it's vague and indistinct. Kubla is male also so this is impossible
kitten white and other colors, like calico. i ran my fingers along it side to help it start breathing. tried clearing the goo from its face.
all at old 494 house (the house i lived in south of pleasantville as a kid, address was 494 McKimber so i refer to it as old 494 house)
i wanted to clean it but got up to arrange them and help Kubla with the rest of the babies coming out.
he disappreared but there was so much confusing arrangements. other cats and lot of other people.
messes and gross. bothered me that i didnt know where to start even.
cages and the bathroom was extra large, much bigger than it ever was normally.

evryone crying as if someone died or something happened
Cammy, slowly learn that we were standing outside in the backyard
it seems like it should be morning but it feels more like evening and looks it too. the sky is gray and evrything has this somber coloring like faded and washed out. very depressing and scary. nothing is bright and cheery in its colors.
i learn that people have come into the school and are systematically controlling it. a couple died already though its not clear how but ppl are crying and missing them.
i start wandering about outside trying to figure out what happened.

slowly evolved into dream 3
still outside. walked off to one side behind the school. smaller building, go inside
food was being shoved into room, sandwiches as big as propane tanks. and other items.
some was attached to these smaller platform things, kind of like a board from a board game.
the food didnt belong on it and when you took it off you could see how it was a folding puzzle.
a few asian guys were in the bldg and they'd take the puzzle and start folding them in all directions and you could see the colors start matching up  like it was some sort fo extra complicated rubix cube... except made of card board and multi-dimensional... much more difficult to solve.
so, really, this part was like i was on crack and its hard to describe. colors
sandwiches large. SUCK, VACCUUM like in space
at first it seemed sort of exciting having all this food come into the room but it would keep coming and so fast as if it would hit you and crush you. it seemed to have this mal-intent behind it. it would keep charging in like it would fill every inch of space and there's be  no more for your body. then you could feel the air changing and getting tighter. i'd run from the room out a door. and shutting the door started to get so hard, like a suction was pulling against me. i finally would shut it and look through the window on it and see all the things inside being crushed as if in  black hole. all the gravity and air space would just disappear, but only in that room. if you stayed, you died.

one main girl... Twilight girl, lame as that is. stuck in bottom of shack like thing that had a shower and was being used by the army. it got hit hard by the big truck and we could hear her in the bottom yelling to let her out. there was water everywhere. i was expecting spilled sewage like a port- potty has. but there were only sopping wet whole potatoes on the floor
the food was very colorful and almost freakishly non-food... the way it looks in the film Hook when they're make-believing.

end was 4 ppl around a table playing cards.
i divided the food on their plates, Mexican. divided the lettuce and tomatoes part. there wasnt quite enough so i gave them a little of mine. one person was a little girl

song stuck in my head at waking
"I'll be your mirror" by Velvet Underground

Saturday, January 29, 2011

futile effort

this might end up being more of a fun experiment than anything else. since i had this vivd dream this morning...well about 3-4 actually. but i was too tired to try and write them down....or type i should say.
i've had this cold the last few days and it's finally leaving. but i drank some cold meds last night and that stuff always gives me the most f'ed dreams.
i will try to remember the one from last night.

first thing that comes to mind: white.
damn, you know what fuck it. i thought i could remember. i sat here for a few minutes just now and...nothing. i remembered it this afternoon so i thought i could do it again just now. but i cant. damn my laziness and lethargy this AM!
the white thought... it was something puffy like clouds or smoke. i think something about the cocaine in Social Network stuck in my mind. how it was on his fingertips when the cop pulled his hand up. so caught.

me and my mom got to talking about my birth tonight...don't ask me why. she described this one part in a way that really has stayed in my mind and i bet it will show up in my dreams somehow.
she said when i came out they picked me up and laid me on her chest for about a minute before they had to take me away.
she said, "you were moving like this helpless turtle. i couldn't really sit up but i remember just having this urge to help you, cradle you more"

helpless turtle...can you just picture my little arms and legs waving about not knowing what to do with all that space all at once. after being so crammed in the womb so long? that had to feel so weird for me. anyway... i've never heard anyone describe a newborn as a turtle and it was just so cute... and somehow spot-on

Thursday, January 13, 2011

fire drill (fragment)

oh! i just remembered another one of the dreams i had last night. i was listening to Nouveau American by Brazilian Girls and it just came to me. Not sure if the music had anything to do with triggering the memory but it may have.

the dream was simply us all have a fire drill at work except on the north side of the bldg there was a door (made of glass) that was merely 5 feet from our cubes. so i went out and we all stood on the lawn. i cant remember anything else though there was a lot more to it.

Danny's a monster

i had a dream that scared me profoundly in the moment but now just sounds silly. there were stairs and corners and the sense of wanting to hide. I have an old friend from HS Danny Ginger and he became the embodiment of this monster that was killing people. IN real life he's a great person and I like him a lot. So it's funny he was the killer. Danny is also gay which maybe seems like part of the meaning. not that im terrified of gay people. because, well, im not at all. quite the opposite actually. i tend to be drawn to people who are either androgynous, publicly gay, secretly gay, or just questionable/ probably bi. it wasnt out in the open while we were in HS but i always had this suspicion about it then. when he came out and said he was gay i was sort of relieved and not surprised. but im trying to figure out why it was him that was the monster, of all people! he's the nicest person ever. furthest from any kind of monster. but there must be some reason my mind was placing him that way.
He was so deceptive and snake-like. He'd say to people, "walk down that hall; there's something so cool to see down there." then they'd go because the general mood of the room was so excited and no one was suspicious of any malicious intent. That one person would run and he'd run down and after them and then murder them out of sight. no one ever noticed because they were so distracted by the fun. i think it was that ignorance that scared me so much. how he was so good at tricking so many of them. i saw and i knew and i was adamant he wouldn't be able to fool me.
so it became like this conquest then, because he became wise to the fact that i knew what he was doing. i soon was the ultimate goal. he MUST kill me. so i decided to leave the building and i took the first door next to me. it led down instead of up and the stairwell was so dark. i saw him come in after me, almost like floating supnaturally. then i suddenly realized that this stairwell was just a dead end and there was no way out or away from him. he had me cornered. i thought, "at least im not stupid and fooled back here, smiling like an idiot as im about to be killed" but then i woke before he got to me. it was so dark and eerie in there. it left me chilled and completely terrified. i have no idea why it was Danny.
maybe if it had been no one in particular it would have been just too awful and i wouldve woke up crying. i cant really explain more than that why it was so terrifying. it was more like the mood and the atmosphere. the color and lighting and id have to give you endless description and detail. i had a dream about this about a year ago. it was the one about the giant hills, elephants and people-eating things. that one was fucking scary as hell. though when i read through it it just sounds so silly.
it was somewhat like War of the Worlds as far as how they looked and the dusty-dark atmosphere.
Anyway, since the same theme is popping up in Jan of last and this year. im starting to wonder what it means. it definitely is significant to me.
maybe it's the cold and the feeling of death in cold.
Bill died in January back in 03. his body was completely frozen when they found him. Myron just died this year, Jan 2.
seems like Jan is the most gloomy month of the year for me. I get winter blues so bad though. an environment and atmosphere affect me quite a lot though. i cant ignore my surroundings, they really do have a lot to do with my overall mood at any given moment.

i also dreamed about making a sign to go on the fridge at work. i think it was one of those silly lingering thoughts. well because people have been bad lately about getting that door allt he way shut and maybe the seal is getting old and not sticking. but it seems like every other time i go in there the thing is hanging 6 inches open. waste of energy, getting too warm in there and spoiling food. i thought seriously about making a sign so then i dreamed about actually doing it. it's dreams like that that make me forget sometimes what ive done in reality and what i just dreamed about. making that sign felt so real. if i didnt have a good grasp on the dividing line of dreams and reality i would swear i had made one. anyway, there wasnt much siginificance to that as far as my life problems or emotions. it was just one of those stupid little 2 minute dreams.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

pregnancy and doctor with cold fingers

dreamed i was pregnant and about to have my baby. lying in bed and the doctor came in. he was middle-aged asian and he asked me how i was feeling i thought, well isn't it obvious? then he stuck his fingers in me to see how dialated i was but his hand was absolutely freezing. i started to tell him but he didn't listen and started talking randomly about some other medical crap i didn't understand. he said, "you're at 20" and then threw the gloves he had on in the corner. when i looked over at them they were all covered in blood. i wondered if that was normal but when i turned to ask he was gone.
20 doesn't make sense. not to say to know everything about childbirth but don't women just dialate to 10 and then go into labor? i don't know. weird dream. i don't remember actually feeling pain though. and i never dreamed about the actual birth part or seeing the baby. it was mainly about that cold detached doctor.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

oddest lucid dream of my entire life.

just had, by far, the strangest experience of dreaming ever. It's 4 something PM and I dozed off in the bed for a little while, like under a half hour.
i dreamed i was at work but sitting on the end desk where i sat when my main one wasn't working.
i started to feel like i was really there and not dreaming, being half awake your mind starts believing that. plus work is an everyday setting. i blew the dust off the top of the desk and, for some reason, Adam moved down into my usual desk.
Then i dreamed i fell asleep at work in my chair. i could "see" just blankness or like a dark flesh color like it was truly the inside of my eyelids. then i could hear distinctly Stephanie talking in the background, and didn't want her to catch me sleeping so i sat upright, or tried to. but found that i couldn't move. my head was drooping and i could feel the slackened feeling in my body but still couldn't make my eyes open. i tried so hard to open them, hearing all the people talking in the background but seemingly not noticing i was asleep. it was like being paralyzed in a coma. brain still on and active...but no body to communicate with. it sucked. but in my consciousness i really thought i was sleeping at work, and having some strange caught in between phase of sleeping and actually stuck there. i hated not being able to move.
then i thought, "wow, this is where lucid dreams happen when you're stuck here in your brain and dreams can happen instantly but you're awake enough to fully direct it." then i thought, "too bad i'm not having an actual dream" then i tried as hard as i possibly could to wake up and was genuinely surprised to find myself just in my bed....

Howling Bells, railings, Nick and chicken

this morning is Myron's funeral and I dozed off just a few minutes ago and had this dream:

walking across a few backyards of a few houses in a row. brick path, red and browns.
got to mine, the back door was up higher than the others were. they all had lower back rooms, like a porch. but we had steep stairs leading up so the whole bottom level was even. since the land dipped down in the back.
Anyway, i had a metal disk and the stairs had metal railings and i kept hitting it against it to hear the pitch it made which is the same key that this song is in: Cities Burning Down by Howling Bells.

Then Nick was sitting on the deck reading something he'd found to me. The railing started falling apart and falling over, hanging over a deep hole I was almost falling into. I kept calling for him to help me but he kept reading as if he couldnt hear me. then i had chicken in my hand somehow and my cats came and tried to steal it from me.

Monday, January 3, 2011

dream from 12/28/2010

the elevator dream was so weird. oh man. i was in it with 2 other people (blonde woman and overweight middle-aged man) and the doors opened to a concrete slab like it was just a parking lot or bus-stop.
as soon as the doors shut i knew it was bad, a terrible feeling came over me. I looked at them and said, "i want out" then it started to lower and creaked loudly. Suddenly it just stopped and the inside of the door turned red. by our feet felt warm and the feeling was growing getting hotter and hotter... soon it was like lava had to be under us! it started to go up again and there were only 2 large buttons unlabeled on the inside. the woman and i pushed them but nothing happened. the doors opened randomly to just concrete walls (between floors) and finally opened partially to the outside. the blonde darted out and kind of shoved me. there was only enough time for her. then i was stuck with the man and he wouldn't look at me. it made me feel so alone. =(
the elevator dropped again and it got super super hot. i thought we would die. it started tilting sideways like it would just fall. I swear part of it was melting.
then all at once it lurched up and the doors opened and we were being pulled out.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

back to 5th grade math, mossy ponds and blowjobs

this dream may have something to do with watching Antichrist last night since there were lots of grotesque troubling images that often had nature or sex. the film centers on two people through pain and grief over losing their child. It's hard watching that much agony and not have some sort of fucked up dream.

At first I was back in school, and when I have these dreams about falling back into school it seems it ends up always set in my 5th grade homeroom. Sometimes I will actually have Mrs. Haugen in the dream and sometimes not. This time I did. Before I came to this room I was in the gym going over my grade with the teacher I had in HS. We were lying on a blanket in the corner, which was more like a massive pile. the blankets seemed to mean something like "home" and comfort. not sex. and it seemed slightly paternal, because that teacher was also a wrestling coach and my brother always did wrestling and he acted very paternal towards my brother since my brother (like me) always lacked a consistent and strong father-figure. I always did crappy in PE mostly because I was never athletic and I didn't care. my brother was more that person.
the going over of the grade was on one long sheet that looked more like the thing you fill out when you move into an apartment, carbon copy and all. That day I made up one thing which brought me up to 60% for PE, a D ha! i never got a D in PE even if i hated that class. I usually got As and sometimes A- just because all he really asked was show up and dress out.
but i never felt like i excelled despite whatever my grade says. i guess it was a dream about false accomplishment or failing or something like that...i dont know. when i left the gym there were containers of glue and i just had one in my hand without remembering picking it up. there was a small desk propped against the wall as I left so I set it back down next to a glue stick. (i had the liquid kind) i had this odd sensation that someone was going to assume i was trying to steal it so i was trying to get it out of my hands as soon as possible.
i meandered down the halls and came to the last door on the left which, in the elementary bldg was my 5th grade homeroom. It was math, another one of my poor subjects. though i never hated math. i actually love math and find it fun but im no genius at it and ive had my share of poor grades for math classes. i had no supplies or anything with me which made me feel so stupid and unprepared. i started quietly perusing the shelves for another copy of the textbook. the teacher never said anything, and i was doing it so quiet as if she actually wouldn't notice. i was waiting for her to yell, "what are you doing! you're disturbing everything. if you cant come prepared just leave!" i never could find an extra and someone offered to share so i did that. i had a sheet of notebook paper and i got bored since the class didn't seem that hard (even though i felt i had no right to be cocky as i had no books or anything) I started doing random algebra which was advanced for the class since all we were doing was simple 5th grade math.
they probably have started doing algebra in 5th grade now.. but when i was in school in the 90s they did not. anyway. that segment was over. just all about failed performance and feeling incredibly ashamed at my unpreparedness. i felt like a child. inadequate and stupid.

later, the dream transformed. i am older like now. i go home and were for sure not in Iowa.
whenever i get home i have to park my car by a hwy and then walk the rest of the way to my house since there is no road leading to it. the land leading to it is too rugged and sometimes marshy so i would get my car stuck for sure. so i walk it, even though it's nearly a mile away.
The terrain looks like the middle of nowhere. desert-like
I come to a pond and for some reason have to climb over it instead of just going around. maybe it's faster to just go over. it doesn't seem to be focal to the dream, the "why". water is all moss covered. i take a pretty risky jump around a bend with almost too much laxed-confidence. and get a good hold of the branch to swing out but I'm too low. i hit that gross water. and then let go of the branch. i fall all the way in, head under. my whole body submerged. surprisingly the moss and gross-looking water doesn't feel that bad. i stand as the water is maybe 4 feet deep. climb out. start making my way up a steep hill in the middle. there's all kinds of brush and mangled looking trees. why do i go through instead of around? maybe the "why" is important. maybe because in reality i tend to make things more complicated than they are. i put myself through more trouble than i need, no matter what it is that i want
anyway, i feel like climbing and rubbing against the dirt of the hill will get the moss off me and climbing about in trees will "clean" me. i make my way up this steep one. There's a spot where it's incredibly steep at first but there is a hole at the top you can slip through and then be free from the pond area. it slopes down after that nicely. so you have to go through a few seconds of it being more difficult but the reward is you get out faster.
when i get up there, the grass around it hardened and got all stiff with death and made a sort of cast. the hole that is left is so small i cant fit. i try but then get myself wedged. i start shoving through harder trying to just break it with my whole body and it takes 3-4 thrusts before it starts to give...ok my perverted mind started seeing that description as sexual... can you not? haha. it wasn't sexual in the dream though. i felt very trapped and like i was suffocating. anyway, eventually i barely fit through. made my way to the gently sloping hill. i started hopping down. the jumps i was making were a bit high. when i jumped i'd sort of float like there was little gravity. also i was wondering how hurt I'd be when I land, just like when i play fallout. actually the way your character jumps in that game looks nothing realistic but it's funny. you have to put it in 3rd person viewpoint to see how funny it looks. it was just like that in the dream. when i got the bottom and started finishing making my way home i heard barking. i looked back and saw a sheperd dog barking just about 50ft away. he didnt see me so i went on. that was it for that segment.

overhearing conversation btw clint and adam about blow jobs and whether to swallow or not.
he said his aunt did once (why he would know beats me!) and then Clint said, "well i know you dont" and adam replied "because i know its not very liquidy and im always wondering if it will get stuck in my throat"
WOW why the hell am i dreaming about that?