Sunday, February 28, 2010

secret baby memorial/gym memorial for Amber/my dad and my vandalized car/broken amusement park ride

At a woman with dark brown hair, her home. Three story. I’ve never met this woman before. One room had a small door she’d never opened and maybe never noticed. There was light shining through the cracks, illuminating it and making it visible now. I opened it and space inside was very small, only big enough for my body. A second door was inside so I pushed it and it fell flat down instead of hinging sideways. Then there was another. It kept going forward strait in front of me, a succession of 4 tiny doors, all painted white like the rest of the house. The lady who owned the home perceived the door (crawl space) as a threat, like someone infiltrating her home. Finally, at the end, it opened to a tiny area where there was a secret shrine to a baby that had died long ago in the 1800s. It had a small grayish picture and candles unlit. Metallic holders and pewter things. A small window was up above, quite high up and lit up the space. Light all its own. The whole area inside here was no bigger than 4x4 cubic ft very very small and confined. Tight space.
A little pocket of secret… a memorial undisturbed until now.
Gym Amber Morris memorial dance performance.
Bleachers slid apart without warning. VERY UNSAFE
My stuff left in middle: cell phone and hard drive. The performers came out and danced almost on top of it. I tried getting it back but every one though it was my own fault that was out there and that I shouldn’t try and disturb the performance
I was “rude”
Krystal was there but aloof. I assoc her with the dance performance stuff. Spotlight such and such.
School old-fashioned big mean teacher/ female.
I said something like”…..this fucking place” and at the word fucking it was the final straw and she kicked me out. I went out into the street on my own and we seemed to be in NYC or some city. Downtown. There was a parking lot partially paved partially rundown…shitty neighborhood inside the school didn’t seem as shitty and low but now I was out in the parking lot I saw it.
I looked for my car but could not find it. My dad Steve showed up with Joey
He laughed and said it was on the end covered in the “case” which was a hug plastic
Damaged BAD cracked glass with tiny holes…like bullets. I barely touched it and it fell more.
Claw marked shaped like fingers drug through butter on my hood.
I didn’t even look at the back yet. People sitting inside…like it was their car. Like I had no right to be mad about it. This was everyday. I shouldn’t have something that nice.
I was wondering how to fix it who would pay for it.
But I just yelled at them about driving to work like that with the wind hitting my coming through the pretty much non-existent windshield.
Then we wre moving (though later we never went anywhere)
And the glass slowly cascaded into our faces. It seemed oddly pleasant.

SSN 141 -- 1111 long strip of yellowish paper like manila envelope paper.

Father…thought it was my dad at first but it was his dad my gpa/
Shack…their home. Right there on the edge of the parking lot
Bones still inside.
Partially burned down. Wall tore out. Figurines in rubble. I was looking through the dust finding out about them
He was around the corner telling about theses people but he started before I realized so I missed a lot. I came close and tried to listen. He didn’t seem to notice me. I couldn’t hear any of what he said about them. I gathered only that they were his parents….I think …I might be wrong
Amusement park ride just off to the side more. Kept slowly spinning at the end of the ride and catching my ankle. Putting me onto the ride unsecured. VERY DNAGEROUS once again
We spun and I stayed on only by my own grip. Which wasn’t vey tight I was terrified I’d fall. She kept turn four color coded levers to move us….jerky and unstable motions…she wasn’t a real operator of the machine… she was doing something unsafe. Every one though it was a blast and didn’t seem to notice or just did not care that I was in high danger of getting killed.

dream I had the morning after Icarus died.

to be finished more later:

dock water
large kid kicking me off

tall staircases

Monday, February 22, 2010

killing for Joe Pesci

we went to my old house on 494 McKimber, south of Pleasantville. There was a couple living there, asleep in their beds upstairs in the master bedroom.
we went there to kill them, as group of us. i didnt want to but it was like i was someone else. i wasnt supposed to be there. it was llike my mind was not my own.
all the other people in the group were male and Joe Pesci was ringleader.
in real life i find him so funny..but he was terrifying in the dream

we walked into the kitchen (first room at the main door)
and then went into the bathroom which was the only place that didnt look as it does in reality it actually kind of looked liek a mix of the kitchen, at the bottom of the if there was a foot rest there. we stopped to go over our plan. I had my huge purse and it felt extra heavy. I also had a brown paper bag with a gun inside. there were some other things but i never looked at them. I was going to be the one to go up and shoot them and i was afraid about it.

the time came and i walked up the stairs. everything was dark and the moonlight came in the windows. when i got to the landing I heard a small click and saw all this black smoke start billowing out into each of the bedrooms. not on me or where i was standing, just in the rooms. it was seeping out to where i was fast. i knew it would kill those people instead of my gun. i had an eerie feeling it was meant to kill em too/
i ran down the stairs and joe pesci was laughing at me, telling me i was so easy to fool. he threw some water-like substance at me (clear) and it hit me in the lips, instantly making them numb. It staretd seeping into my body and and felt sluggish. I started running (without my purse which bugged me to not have my stuff) and without the gun and paper bag.
my legs were heavy and i started feeling dizzy. i had to fight so hard to get out the door fast enough before they could grab me. I ran to their truck, a brown rugged thing. HUGE and all beat up. it was rusty and loud. somehow I had the keys in hand and i saw that one of his henchmen had run out the door after me. i was frustrated that my body woudlnt work and that i almost could pass out.
luckily the door was left unlocked so i woudlnt have to unlock it with the key and take too long. there was no keyless entry so id have to fumble with turning the lock by hand. I got in and hit lock on the door's button so he couldnt open the door after me. i backed out and whipped around so quick...almost supernaturally...inhuman.
i saw the guy rnning after me on the lawn, along side me, and he got to the end where the big hill was.
i turned left and slammed the gas, moving fast down the road. I thought I got away...
but then i looked back and saw that he had managed to jump in the back somehow and he was still with me. He tried reaching in through the back window to grab me. I tried not to crash. i felt so disappointed, so small and helpless that i couldnt get powerless. AH! i swurved and slammed my brakes trying to make him fall out. but he hung on and when i got up to the stop sign i woke up, still

It all seemed like I was fast enough to not die , but never fast enough to really get away.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

TVs on hills/mega-launching jumps/ Krystal and the red hot jobs sign

this is in backwards order-

i was at a place that seemingly was a giant pool bu looked more like a lake. it was supposed to be fun but i was actualyl very sad and felt quite alone. i spent a lto fo time trying to make ppl understand me.
there was a mostly red signon one hil that sad HOT HOT JOBS HERE like a mini billboard. Krystal camped out near it sort of like "working"
I told her getting close to the sign was no the way t get the job and she seemed pissed at me for saying that.
kind look like a golf course in that area. i saw where the trees parted and it seemed more "natural" like we really were in the woods. off to my right and i briefly wished Gabe was there because i felt like he would understand my need more a more natural swim like a lake. no one there was my friend, everyone seemed to hate my views, my desire to be natural.

i had this amazing ability to swim underwater for long periods of timewithout having to hold my breath long. i could carry a bubbe in front of my face and breath that air. Ifelt good to swim under the water, like a fish, like i was a creature of the underwater. no one else could go here. i swam to the other side like that and saw a dark figure like someone was sitting onthe bottom. it was a girl, i had my eyes opened and everything was clear as a bell. like i had goggles on but i didnt.
she sat with her eyes closed/ brown hair.
i wrapped my arms around her and pulled up. i though she was drowning but when we got to the surface she started scareaming at me for nvading her provacy. she didnt want to be saved. she was really angry that i pulled her up. so left her alone. I said something alone these lines:
"All I was trying to do was help. Next time when you really are drowning I'll leave you alone then, because that's what you've asked me to do"
She suddenly looked like she felt bad, like this hadn't occured to her. I secretly thought Id save her anyway but didnt say it.
I left.

I went to shore and this is where I ran into Krystal and the hot jobs sign that was completely red painted. She was annoyed at my reason. She wanted to feel like she was "doing" something. Like waiting there for that job was the best and smartest thing. I tried implying it made her like a slave and she was missing out on the water, the "natural" water and that she was stuck up on this hill in a more amusement park looking land, waiting and waiting for something that will never come. She was angry with me for telling her that. I kept saying if you want the jb standing next to the sign wont get it. this is silly. no one is watching you here. but she wouldnt understand

when i returned to the water'd edge i saw it was more cliff like over on this side and the water was deep right away there, instead of gradually going deep as you went out.
I jumped in and got out a few times. every time I'd plunge down really deep and take a moment to drift back up.
On one last jump i kicked my legs down right away wanting to come back up sooner. to my surprise, it launched me back out of the water with super force. like a mega-jump launching into air. i flew higher than when i had first jumped in...with the momentum of a giant rubber band, flinging me up. I felt like i was being thrown into the sky. i felt a little afraid but thrilled too, wondering the power of a jump like that. i didnt even kick down as hard as i could.

before the this water (lake-like) section...i was in anther place of lots of water but this one was much more pool-like than the other. I was alone again and my mom was there.

Sarah H. game cards...board games in the water. she was looking for me. laughing about something in the past.
She was the only person that was truly making me feel comfortable. everyone else seemed to hate me in a secretive way
ic ant remember the rest very well.

before that was no water but outdoors in a foresty place with large hills. there was a long path that spanned over three large hill downward...meant to be sledded down at high speed. the long hill.
the path had a TV at each edge makes no sense physically now. but it did work.
i started messing with the TV andonce i touched it it lost its stability and i couldnt place it on the ledge as it was before so it wouldnt fall. then someone told me it was never one the ledge, bt on a platform out form the hill's edge a bit and facing the other way, so you'd see it as you come down. this made more logical sense but i could swear it was on the ledge and facing out, really. i could SWEAR i saw it that way...but i was made to feel wrong... like it was a delusion. i coulndt put the TV back.
this whole time a little boy was trying to go down this hill. i was trying to make sure he wouldnt be hrt since the hill was kind of dangerous.
he never actually got hurt but there was always this feeling of the danger of getting hurt.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

she hit the FLOOR!

Ashley painted my Macbook keyboard back while I was asleep. I was so upset and I yelled at her.
My mom looked at me with true hatred couldnt understand why I was so mad.
they all thought I was being a baby.
i peeled it off by hand the paint was still gooey. it had a foam layer. but it stained the keyboard. I accidentally poked trough the bottom. i couldnt believe she did that. she thought it looked awesome.
i kept saying," You cant just go and treat something liek its yours!! I paid $1200 for this!"
i remember trying to scratch it off first and it came off thickly bt was still gray underneath from stain. then there was foam under was weird.

stage later-I stood to get food from a table at an event at the samw momwnt the singer said, "if anyone knows this song stand up! and they mistakingly thought I wanted to come up.
It was tha terrible rap usher sounding crap.
it has the lyrics "she hit the floor" "asking for more"
"I'll look it up later...)

[UPDATE: song is "Low" by Flo Rida....sucky shitty song and
it doesnt have the "asking for more" lyrics i guesss i added that myself]

apparently no one else stood so that is why I was mistaken for the one hwo wanted to go up.
I went with it thinking it could be fun. I sang even though I sucked and danced my way up to the stage.
the crowd was silent.
i didnt care.
fences by Phoenix we sang but I could see the lines up on the screen for the next song and it was reading as 1901 but the fences song played instead.

there was a black box of shit that he had (this main guy on stage who brought me u) full uof stuff they performed with
he needed a headset insytead of a cord mic to go out into the crowd with. he took the last one. Other perprmers came by a nd eeded one and complainefd about how shitty he ekep the box and how he sucked at his job.
i looked in the box (more like a crate)
and saw little broken pieces of pens and cellphones. chunks of plastc and screws and bolts. There was a small piece as big an an Italian chamr bracelet that looked exactly like my cell phones outer screen.

I threw some of the junk out for him
chewed on one piece wondering if they'd find my saliva.

i was dancing nd having fun on stage but there were only like 20 people I suddenly realized. and no ne of them were looking and cared. there was a n amber colored light a fancy dinner.
earlier it had that dark blueish lights of a concert. where its pitch all arond and just splnters of lights in different colors.

before that i have just fragments of being at some kidn of camp... running outside. dirt, clay-like, bright tan
some sort of danger...sneaking to do wat I wanted. being disapproved of by people.