Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Hotel Dark

Dreamed early morning hours of 11-20-2012

This one, like many other begins in a hotel. Hotels seem to have a significant symbol in dreams.
I think hotel represent an aspect of myself- the same way that house represents self. Except hotel is bigger and more public and less privacy, less sense of identity you can imprint upon it. A house you can make your own. But hotels provide a temporary fulfillment. And all marks of human existence are erased from it after each stay.  Moby has an album where he talks about this concept more which always fascinated me. And the thoughts seem to creep in my dreams when I'm trying to discover my sense of self, my identity- public and private.

So, hotel.
I am running, exploring probably going in a few rooms I shouldn't. The building is old and enormous. Lots of stairs, darker lighting. The hotel is sectioned off into two main parts and one of the two halves is reserved for a college. It vaguely resembles the twin towers. I venture over to the college portion, less guests, less of the general public: out-of-bounds.  At first I sort of pretend to just be a student. I take an elevator and it travels remarkably fast but it isn't fun. It's dangerous and I can feel it surging upward with such a force I am almost positive it's going to shoot right through the roof and into the sky. And it does, but the cart is attached to large springs and it almost feels more like a poorly designed funhouse carnie kind of ride. Poor architecture masked with grandeur.

I go down stairs, avoiding guards and all other people. It's getting later. I find a deserted stairwell that's almost black it's so dark and no windows nearby. I want to go down and see the basement. But I hear someone in the next room which is somewhat designed like a formal dining room. It looks English.
The person comes and goes but a different door off to my left catches my eye. I come to it and open it slowly and see that instead of a room it's a field.  with grass and trees and even a light wind. But i know it isn't the real outdoors. This building is in the middle of the city. There would in no way be a field. The grass is slightly neon tinted, eerie and just hints at being unnatural. But to anyone just walking and not really looking closely, it looks real enough. A boy comes up to me innocently and at first I worry that he will attract attention and get us caught and thrown out. We're definitely not supposed to be in here. But we are alone and no one is running up to make us leave. It's quiet like a perfect calm dusk. It's pleasant in this mock-outdoors. We start walking together. Faintly getting acquainted. He's about my age but slightly younger. We walk around a bend, marked by a dirt curved path. There are a few towering trees and also some birch trees. We are a long ways off from that door I entered now which seems to have closed by itself because I can't see it in the distance. I don't care. This place is interesting.
We walk, starting to feel very separate from the hotel and in a sort of sanctuary. It's nice. We even feel a little happy, kind of exploring like kids. Then I see headlights coming. Someone see us?  We duck lower but the headlights are coming our way. They must know we're here! We run and he drops a pocketknife. It's a dark wood and old-fashioned. He doesn't stop to get it. I feel encumbered by worrying about it while he clearly doesn't care. We keep running. I try to run for the door but he decides differently and runs towards a shadowy part of the area where there is a lot more bush and thick trees and less of this moony light. It's a bit ominous over there. I don't really want to go that way. He doesn't look back to see if I follow him. He just presses on determinedly. He seems to know exactly where he's going. Before I can decide what I am going to do the little golf car is upon me and it's an old man who surprisingly is not angry at me. He just says I should leave and also "stick to the light"  And then I notice for the first time that there is a distinct pattern to the light. It's always in patches, as if there are street lamps but there are none. And most of it is by the door I first came in, which, has seemed to suddenly appear again. I take a few steps towards it thinking I should best take the safe route and just get out while I'm still not in trouble. The man in the golf car says "your friend jumped into the eye. he chose the more difficult path"  I take some steps towards the place he had gone. I see a kind of valley in the distance but it's hard to make out. I walk down a bit more trying to see this "eye" he meant. I figure it must be a nickname for a landmark. The ground starts sloping down and makes me walk faster until I break into more of a jog and then a full-out run. I'm scared I can't stop but feel this odd urge to run.  Then I reach a kind of edge, maybe cliff and instead of panicking and trying to stop myself I jump, and I jump hard, upward and suddenly from absolutely nowhere a large parachute bursts from behind me and I start floating down. (kind of reminds me of the chutes in Assassin's Creed) Within seconds I see the eye he mentioned though it's not a natural formation. It's a large human eye that must be hundreds of feet wide, darting around and taking in the scene around it. I stare, awestruck sort of amazed and horrified at the same time. Then this weird pull in the air, like magnetism, starts sucking me towards the eye which is now looking straight at me. (this eye kinds of reminds me of that giant one in Lord of the Rings except it's not red and fiery but it is like a gateway... also kind of like the gates in Oblivion, the Elder Scrolls game) It continues to pull me closer and closer until I pass right through the pupil like a hole.  so black.

everything is black. seems like nothingness
then I am in another scene. It's an apartment and I have 3 other people with me including the boy I saw earlier. We seem to know each other and act like it. It's weird in dreams sometimes strangers are just there as filler, like in reality you have no idea who they are but in the dream you act as a group. You already have your acquaintance established.
The 4 of us are alone at first. Then a small boy runs in. He doesn't seem to see or hear any of us. He can't see us at all. It's like we aren't really there. His mother soon follows him in and he looks very unhappy and uncomfortable. He twists with the unmistakable air of reluctance. I wonder at this odd behavior. Then the mother sits beside him on the bed and puts her arm around him. They say nothing. The boy still looks tense and won't look her in the face. She grabs his tiny hand and presses it to her heart, something that appears endearing.... then she slides it down further so that she's making him touch her inappropriately. The boy seems to snap into this automatic mode and all the emotion leaves his face. He starts to undo her shirt without her asking and she leans back as if enjoying it. The 4 of us continue to stand there watching this sexual abuse feeling like we all swallowed worms. But we're invisible people, standing in on what seems to be another time, something separate. The mother doesn't see or hear us either. The boy keeps touching her with a blank expression but with a strange dexterity in his hands like he's done this a lot of times before.  Her shirt is off and bra too and soon enough all her clothes.
She crouches on all fours and soon the boy is (god this is hard to write but it was in the dream so... )
he's performing cunnilingus.  And I can see her vulva and it's taken on this almost supernaturally grotesque form. It very enlarged, almost like testicles and it's so dark it's almost black and it's spiked with hundreds of tiny bumps. It looks almost like a weapon. It looks disgusting and certainly not human.
Then they fade away, in thin air. We sit there astounded. What happened?
Suddenly we see the same boy except he's older now, probably 16-17 and he's naked. He has a girl in the room, blonde with it in a pony tail. The sun is brighter outside and they are in swim suits, well partially. You can tell they'd been swimming all day. Young people at the beach. They are in this truly adolescent embrace of having sex without experience- maybe almost like it's a rebellion. In walks that same mother suddenly except she looks a little older and she is livid. She starts screaming immediately and looks as if she wants to kill the girl more than kill her son. Jealous?
Then they all fade away.  We wait for another scene. But minutes pass. Nothing comes.
What did we just see?  And how?   Were those memories?  None of us has questioned yet how we got there or how we all came together. The other 3 decide to move on.  I look through the boy's other window while they talk. His bedroom has two windows one at the head of his bed which was the more obvious window. Then he had a smaller one with the curtains more drawn that was above the dresser. I walked up to it and for the first time realize that the view from this window is not the outdoors but another hallway. and it's lined with doors, and they are all numbered.  another apartment?  I barely have time to think anymore about this because they other 3 have decided we are all pressing on and right now. Okay, okay.  But I was curious about that hallway and those doors. Seems like a separate place than this though it is placed right next to it. Everything is so weird.
We get maybe 15 steps from his bedroom into a different hallway that seems to lead back outside when I realize that I had a cell phone on me the whole time and I had set it down in the boy's bedroom and forgotten it there. I want to go back. They don't want to wait for me. I go back anyway knowing they will probably leave me. I feel encumbered once again by possessions. But I want the phone.
I get to the room and see the phone sitting on the dresser but before I can even touch it I hear loud footsteps from the other side, not my 3 friends. This is one person, alone, and coming fast... I don't think this is a memory.  BAM! the bedroom door flies open and in walks that same woman, the mother except she is very old now and much taller. Like all this whole scene was slightly miniature to reality.

I grab a small mattress and try to hide under it but it's no use. She's already seen me. 

She starts screaming "what are you doing in here?!?" But I'm more distracted that she has the same dark brown eyes as the one I has come in through as a portal. One of her eyes is glass though and bright blue. As if she took out her real eye to make that portal. But it was definitely her eye out there acting as a portal. We've traveled into her mind, her dark places, her memories. I think she's going to kill me. I;m not sure what she will do. But before I can decide what to say to her I wake up from the fear of her storming in.  It felt like the devil rushing up on you. Terrifying!

Something about this dream gave me a feeling of, well other people can be consumed in their own darkness and it's hard to get to them and they often lock you out. And it's scary to get that close to so much evil. But under it is still someone who is every bit as human as you are.  Even though that woman truly scared the shit out of me, I immediately started feeling somewhat sorry for her after I woke. Sympathy for the devil?  She'd done something terrible to her son, yes. But why? And she seemed to feel some remorse or at least shame, since she was harvesting all these memories and hiding them away.
Dipping into her mind really reminded me of the Pensieve in Harry Potter. It was the same kind of entry   and also no one within the scene hears or sees Harry.
More later, probably edits... That's all for the time being.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

moon clown. factory funhouse experiment

The trouble with relaying dreams is that most elements of the dream reference highly personalized notions. My dreams sometimes center on a fragment of an idea or a certain color, or conjure intense emotion that I can't validly explain afterwards... I begin unraveling the "events" of the dream and retell it in the western style (event-centered so you're asking always "what happens next?" and all your motive to watch centers on getting your questions answered) and as the events take form and fall in order I can't seem to grasp with my waking mind why I felt so afraid or sad during the dream.
A lot of times, also, my brain pulls a very old memory or even recycles a dream I've had before, almost like to reiterate to me whatever the dream's purpose. Dreams are so easy to forget about, especially with our busy lives and the quick wake-ups we do, but I can't seem to shake how important I feel dreams are. Though my blog has been sparse lately, I've recorded quite a few over the last year via voice recording- which is faster and more accessible. Although impossible to transcript. I did two maybe and it took forever so I gave up. My dreams function in many ways. It works out my emotional turmoil and stress in lush vibrant images that lack plot but are fully saturated with meaning. I think the nature of any dream is specific to the dreamer. It's like an art... When I dream it seems the most highly creative parts of my brain turn on and make things I can't make deliberately. It feels almost like someone else put those dreams there and certainly I didn't create anything that lovely. Even the scary dreams are lovely- which brings me to this morning.
The dream I had this morning woke me a bit after 6am. Seems anymore I don't have a dream I think about all day but I have spent all day thinking of this. It scared me so bad I couldn't fall asleep again. Though thinking through it, it's hard to relay what exactly was so scary...

I am with a group of people I don't know in reality. A tall skinny guy, a heavy-set black girl and two other indistinct strangers. It's evening, sun just setting and we are coming upon this enormous building. Can't even take the whole thing in with one look. How we got there and how we heard of it are irrelevant- we're just there and very curious.
Outside it seems to invite what's inside. And that's the thing about this place- it's constant allure, it's pull, it's mystery. It's sinister but desirable. You can't stifle your urge to go further.
The whole yard is silent except for us and we walk slowly, absorbing everything with care yet utmost fascination. Outside is what looks like a playground- most of it made of sun-washed wood... like it's been there a very long time. And the building, though very old looking, doesn't look run down. The windows are intact and there's no overgrowth. It's plain and looks like upkeep is done... but not one soul is around. No one. It's so quiet.
We start playing on this playground. There are long boards laid out so you can walk across from pillar to pillar. It's like a down-play of what's to offer inside- simpler because it's free.
(see, again, how dreams factor in just notions... of how an amusement/attraction has little simpler things on the outliers for when you're just arriving or leaving and it's to entertain the kids while you wait for more people to show up or whatever-- that impossible to relay with just visuals... it's a highly personalized interpretation of real world set up. My dreams are so chalk-full of these)
We run, start to loosen up. There is just dirt on this "playground." And monkey bars, hard thick metal... old fashioned style. like they made in the 20s.  today metals used on playgrounds looks so less heavy duty.  The building had an air of massive about it, of old-style  manner of constructing something.
We go inside.

As soon as you enter there is no grand hall or big lobby-like area. There's just a small office like room with two steps leading up towards a "T" hallway, narrow and dimly lit. And yes this was the main entrance. There's a stand to buy stuffed animals. I grab a dark brown bear but there's no place to pay.
Off to the right is what sounds like air pressure in pipes, faint, distant.
To the left we can see the start of an area opening. Like a side room. The walls have stripes of red and purple... almost circus like... or maybe fun house is the better word. But it feels more like a factory. FACTORY. It's massive and with more purpose than to entertain.

We walk down to the left, see that the opening has given way to this slight platform in a crescent moon shape. Half-circle.  No buttons, no switches but clearly inviting, this thing. Clearly meant to entertain.
In the middle of the half-circle is what looks like a plastic bubble and beyond that a silent clown head. Like a doll or mannequin that just needs you to put a quarter in to give it the juice to start moving.
But there's no slot for $. Just that bubble. The clown head is very large and in a perpetual smile. Bright reds and stark whites like usual. Your typical Bozo. It's not lit up behind him (mystery) It's simply black like there could be 100 feet of space behind him or just inches, no telling.
His head is bigger than our bodies and seems to be looking at the bubble. Like to say, if you want to play with the clown you get in the bubble. But the bubble is so small, like a mini crawl space. Tight, constricting, odd.
One of the guys in my group decides he isn't leery. He has faded green pants. He starts getting in. The bubble starts whirring and slowly turning like it's starting up. He hasn't had a chance to get fully inside. Suddenly it spins faster. His legs are sticking out. We watch helpless. Will he be injured or killed? Is that what it's design is? To trick? like a mouse trap?
It spins faster and faster until we can't even see him anymore and then suddenly pulls inward toward the clown. A side wall jars out so we can't see the clown or the bubble anymore from our angle.
Then just seconds later retracts. The bubble stops spinning and all stops. He lies motionless, apparently dead. But we can't tell if he's just unconscious. His legs sprawl sideways. I clutch that bear and his musty smell.
The heavy black girl starts running down the hallway screaming. It's more purple down that way. the colors bounce of the walls. I wake up.

That's ALL i got to see. Even when I woke terrified at that building I wanted to see more of what was in there... Gah it was like the building was a living thing. mind of deceit...  so enticing though.
i didn't see much and not much actually happened, but this dream fascinates me because, despite that, it still managed to stick in my mind all day. It was its aura or impression.  What it implied. The "idea" it creates. Of mystery and lure. Malintent by baiting human amusement and simple playful curiosity. I got the impression afterwards that the building only appears as a fun house or place of entertainment.. like a indoor amusement park or carnival... but instead was an experiment by ... well, whomever...  faulty scientists? maybe that's the scariest mystery of all. why would they build this? Did they feel guilt about killing people? Is whatever data they were collecting about human curiosity worth loss of life?
I can tell the building was old, like early 1900s at least. Probably late 1800s. It had that smell.
And who was running it now? Someone had to know about the power coming out here. Someone had to be keeping the foliage back, the windows not busted, and the dust and spiders out. Someone waxed the floors. Which is my point about the building being alive. it's like something happened to it, like it was embodied. it tended itself, didn't need people anymore. Draws energy by solar perhaps...
The speculations about this building are endless... endless.
it grows like a real organism.. builds more rooms and halls inside it the same way people can create neural pathways in their brains and hard athletes can create new blood vessels.
and it burrows deeper into the ground, like layers of basements... more mystery.
I know I dreamed about that half-moon clown before... I know that was something I thought of a LONG LONG time ago and haven't thought of in years. I think seeing Killer Klowns From Outer Space as a kid made me invent that little scene... and it forgot all this time. Sometimes I have those little kernels in my mind. just bits.. and then they come out randomly and I feel like OH! that's from so long ago. it's the biggest aha! getting access to a part of your brain you didn't have before. one outlier memory. it just feels so cool.
and the red and purple. wow.... i think those colors have this extremely ugly quality when next to each other. they do not compliment each other. Environment is so important in my dreams. Red is flashy, intense. Purple is a popular girl color. It seems to suggest darker feminism. while pink is more innocent, girly. Having them side by side seems to draw all their suggestiveness into horrid atrocious over-decadence. too much intense deep color. too much attention.
purple is more a cold color, red is so hot. but they don't lie side by side like opposite as black and white can.
I saw just 1% of that place. i really felt it get under my skin. no one sees it all. they die first. or they get lost in the void.