Sunday, January 30, 2011

i wish i could just show you this one since it wont be that interesting to read about but visually it was like I'm on crack

dream 1
kubla giving birth to kittens in bed one goop messy. there were like 4-5 other people. pretty sure my brother was there. but it's vague and indistinct. Kubla is male also so this is impossible
kitten white and other colors, like calico. i ran my fingers along it side to help it start breathing. tried clearing the goo from its face.
all at old 494 house (the house i lived in south of pleasantville as a kid, address was 494 McKimber so i refer to it as old 494 house)
i wanted to clean it but got up to arrange them and help Kubla with the rest of the babies coming out.
he disappreared but there was so much confusing arrangements. other cats and lot of other people.
messes and gross. bothered me that i didnt know where to start even.
cages and the bathroom was extra large, much bigger than it ever was normally.

evryone crying as if someone died or something happened
Cammy, slowly learn that we were standing outside in the backyard
it seems like it should be morning but it feels more like evening and looks it too. the sky is gray and evrything has this somber coloring like faded and washed out. very depressing and scary. nothing is bright and cheery in its colors.
i learn that people have come into the school and are systematically controlling it. a couple died already though its not clear how but ppl are crying and missing them.
i start wandering about outside trying to figure out what happened.

slowly evolved into dream 3
still outside. walked off to one side behind the school. smaller building, go inside
food was being shoved into room, sandwiches as big as propane tanks. and other items.
some was attached to these smaller platform things, kind of like a board from a board game.
the food didnt belong on it and when you took it off you could see how it was a folding puzzle.
a few asian guys were in the bldg and they'd take the puzzle and start folding them in all directions and you could see the colors start matching up  like it was some sort fo extra complicated rubix cube... except made of card board and multi-dimensional... much more difficult to solve.
so, really, this part was like i was on crack and its hard to describe. colors
sandwiches large. SUCK, VACCUUM like in space
at first it seemed sort of exciting having all this food come into the room but it would keep coming and so fast as if it would hit you and crush you. it seemed to have this mal-intent behind it. it would keep charging in like it would fill every inch of space and there's be  no more for your body. then you could feel the air changing and getting tighter. i'd run from the room out a door. and shutting the door started to get so hard, like a suction was pulling against me. i finally would shut it and look through the window on it and see all the things inside being crushed as if in  black hole. all the gravity and air space would just disappear, but only in that room. if you stayed, you died.

one main girl... Twilight girl, lame as that is. stuck in bottom of shack like thing that had a shower and was being used by the army. it got hit hard by the big truck and we could hear her in the bottom yelling to let her out. there was water everywhere. i was expecting spilled sewage like a port- potty has. but there were only sopping wet whole potatoes on the floor
the food was very colorful and almost freakishly non-food... the way it looks in the film Hook when they're make-believing.

end was 4 ppl around a table playing cards.
i divided the food on their plates, Mexican. divided the lettuce and tomatoes part. there wasnt quite enough so i gave them a little of mine. one person was a little girl

song stuck in my head at waking
"I'll be your mirror" by Velvet Underground

Saturday, January 29, 2011

futile effort

this might end up being more of a fun experiment than anything else. since i had this vivd dream this morning...well about 3-4 actually. but i was too tired to try and write them down....or type i should say.
i've had this cold the last few days and it's finally leaving. but i drank some cold meds last night and that stuff always gives me the most f'ed dreams.
i will try to remember the one from last night.

first thing that comes to mind: white.
damn, you know what fuck it. i thought i could remember. i sat here for a few minutes just now and...nothing. i remembered it this afternoon so i thought i could do it again just now. but i cant. damn my laziness and lethargy this AM!
the white thought... it was something puffy like clouds or smoke. i think something about the cocaine in Social Network stuck in my mind. how it was on his fingertips when the cop pulled his hand up. so caught.

me and my mom got to talking about my birth tonight...don't ask me why. she described this one part in a way that really has stayed in my mind and i bet it will show up in my dreams somehow.
she said when i came out they picked me up and laid me on her chest for about a minute before they had to take me away.
she said, "you were moving like this helpless turtle. i couldn't really sit up but i remember just having this urge to help you, cradle you more"

helpless turtle...can you just picture my little arms and legs waving about not knowing what to do with all that space all at once. after being so crammed in the womb so long? that had to feel so weird for me. anyway... i've never heard anyone describe a newborn as a turtle and it was just so cute... and somehow spot-on

Thursday, January 13, 2011

fire drill (fragment)

oh! i just remembered another one of the dreams i had last night. i was listening to Nouveau American by Brazilian Girls and it just came to me. Not sure if the music had anything to do with triggering the memory but it may have.

the dream was simply us all have a fire drill at work except on the north side of the bldg there was a door (made of glass) that was merely 5 feet from our cubes. so i went out and we all stood on the lawn. i cant remember anything else though there was a lot more to it.

Danny's a monster

i had a dream that scared me profoundly in the moment but now just sounds silly. there were stairs and corners and the sense of wanting to hide. I have an old friend from HS Danny Ginger and he became the embodiment of this monster that was killing people. IN real life he's a great person and I like him a lot. So it's funny he was the killer. Danny is also gay which maybe seems like part of the meaning. not that im terrified of gay people. because, well, im not at all. quite the opposite actually. i tend to be drawn to people who are either androgynous, publicly gay, secretly gay, or just questionable/ probably bi. it wasnt out in the open while we were in HS but i always had this suspicion about it then. when he came out and said he was gay i was sort of relieved and not surprised. but im trying to figure out why it was him that was the monster, of all people! he's the nicest person ever. furthest from any kind of monster. but there must be some reason my mind was placing him that way.
He was so deceptive and snake-like. He'd say to people, "walk down that hall; there's something so cool to see down there." then they'd go because the general mood of the room was so excited and no one was suspicious of any malicious intent. That one person would run and he'd run down and after them and then murder them out of sight. no one ever noticed because they were so distracted by the fun. i think it was that ignorance that scared me so much. how he was so good at tricking so many of them. i saw and i knew and i was adamant he wouldn't be able to fool me.
so it became like this conquest then, because he became wise to the fact that i knew what he was doing. i soon was the ultimate goal. he MUST kill me. so i decided to leave the building and i took the first door next to me. it led down instead of up and the stairwell was so dark. i saw him come in after me, almost like floating supnaturally. then i suddenly realized that this stairwell was just a dead end and there was no way out or away from him. he had me cornered. i thought, "at least im not stupid and fooled back here, smiling like an idiot as im about to be killed" but then i woke before he got to me. it was so dark and eerie in there. it left me chilled and completely terrified. i have no idea why it was Danny.
maybe if it had been no one in particular it would have been just too awful and i wouldve woke up crying. i cant really explain more than that why it was so terrifying. it was more like the mood and the atmosphere. the color and lighting and id have to give you endless description and detail. i had a dream about this about a year ago. it was the one about the giant hills, elephants and people-eating things. that one was fucking scary as hell. though when i read through it it just sounds so silly.
it was somewhat like War of the Worlds as far as how they looked and the dusty-dark atmosphere.
Anyway, since the same theme is popping up in Jan of last and this year. im starting to wonder what it means. it definitely is significant to me.
maybe it's the cold and the feeling of death in cold.
Bill died in January back in 03. his body was completely frozen when they found him. Myron just died this year, Jan 2.
seems like Jan is the most gloomy month of the year for me. I get winter blues so bad though. an environment and atmosphere affect me quite a lot though. i cant ignore my surroundings, they really do have a lot to do with my overall mood at any given moment.

i also dreamed about making a sign to go on the fridge at work. i think it was one of those silly lingering thoughts. well because people have been bad lately about getting that door allt he way shut and maybe the seal is getting old and not sticking. but it seems like every other time i go in there the thing is hanging 6 inches open. waste of energy, getting too warm in there and spoiling food. i thought seriously about making a sign so then i dreamed about actually doing it. it's dreams like that that make me forget sometimes what ive done in reality and what i just dreamed about. making that sign felt so real. if i didnt have a good grasp on the dividing line of dreams and reality i would swear i had made one. anyway, there wasnt much siginificance to that as far as my life problems or emotions. it was just one of those stupid little 2 minute dreams.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

pregnancy and doctor with cold fingers

dreamed i was pregnant and about to have my baby. lying in bed and the doctor came in. he was middle-aged asian and he asked me how i was feeling i thought, well isn't it obvious? then he stuck his fingers in me to see how dialated i was but his hand was absolutely freezing. i started to tell him but he didn't listen and started talking randomly about some other medical crap i didn't understand. he said, "you're at 20" and then threw the gloves he had on in the corner. when i looked over at them they were all covered in blood. i wondered if that was normal but when i turned to ask he was gone.
20 doesn't make sense. not to say to know everything about childbirth but don't women just dialate to 10 and then go into labor? i don't know. weird dream. i don't remember actually feeling pain though. and i never dreamed about the actual birth part or seeing the baby. it was mainly about that cold detached doctor.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

oddest lucid dream of my entire life.

just had, by far, the strangest experience of dreaming ever. It's 4 something PM and I dozed off in the bed for a little while, like under a half hour.
i dreamed i was at work but sitting on the end desk where i sat when my main one wasn't working.
i started to feel like i was really there and not dreaming, being half awake your mind starts believing that. plus work is an everyday setting. i blew the dust off the top of the desk and, for some reason, Adam moved down into my usual desk.
Then i dreamed i fell asleep at work in my chair. i could "see" just blankness or like a dark flesh color like it was truly the inside of my eyelids. then i could hear distinctly Stephanie talking in the background, and didn't want her to catch me sleeping so i sat upright, or tried to. but found that i couldn't move. my head was drooping and i could feel the slackened feeling in my body but still couldn't make my eyes open. i tried so hard to open them, hearing all the people talking in the background but seemingly not noticing i was asleep. it was like being paralyzed in a coma. brain still on and active...but no body to communicate with. it sucked. but in my consciousness i really thought i was sleeping at work, and having some strange caught in between phase of sleeping and actually stuck there. i hated not being able to move.
then i thought, "wow, this is where lucid dreams happen when you're stuck here in your brain and dreams can happen instantly but you're awake enough to fully direct it." then i thought, "too bad i'm not having an actual dream" then i tried as hard as i possibly could to wake up and was genuinely surprised to find myself just in my bed....

Howling Bells, railings, Nick and chicken

this morning is Myron's funeral and I dozed off just a few minutes ago and had this dream:

walking across a few backyards of a few houses in a row. brick path, red and browns.
got to mine, the back door was up higher than the others were. they all had lower back rooms, like a porch. but we had steep stairs leading up so the whole bottom level was even. since the land dipped down in the back.
Anyway, i had a metal disk and the stairs had metal railings and i kept hitting it against it to hear the pitch it made which is the same key that this song is in: Cities Burning Down by Howling Bells.

Then Nick was sitting on the deck reading something he'd found to me. The railing started falling apart and falling over, hanging over a deep hole I was almost falling into. I kept calling for him to help me but he kept reading as if he couldnt hear me. then i had chicken in my hand somehow and my cats came and tried to steal it from me.

Monday, January 3, 2011

dream from 12/28/2010

the elevator dream was so weird. oh man. i was in it with 2 other people (blonde woman and overweight middle-aged man) and the doors opened to a concrete slab like it was just a parking lot or bus-stop.
as soon as the doors shut i knew it was bad, a terrible feeling came over me. I looked at them and said, "i want out" then it started to lower and creaked loudly. Suddenly it just stopped and the inside of the door turned red. by our feet felt warm and the feeling was growing getting hotter and hotter... soon it was like lava had to be under us! it started to go up again and there were only 2 large buttons unlabeled on the inside. the woman and i pushed them but nothing happened. the doors opened randomly to just concrete walls (between floors) and finally opened partially to the outside. the blonde darted out and kind of shoved me. there was only enough time for her. then i was stuck with the man and he wouldn't look at me. it made me feel so alone. =(
the elevator dropped again and it got super super hot. i thought we would die. it started tilting sideways like it would just fall. I swear part of it was melting.
then all at once it lurched up and the doors opened and we were being pulled out.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

back to 5th grade math, mossy ponds and blowjobs

this dream may have something to do with watching Antichrist last night since there were lots of grotesque troubling images that often had nature or sex. the film centers on two people through pain and grief over losing their child. It's hard watching that much agony and not have some sort of fucked up dream.

At first I was back in school, and when I have these dreams about falling back into school it seems it ends up always set in my 5th grade homeroom. Sometimes I will actually have Mrs. Haugen in the dream and sometimes not. This time I did. Before I came to this room I was in the gym going over my grade with the teacher I had in HS. We were lying on a blanket in the corner, which was more like a massive pile. the blankets seemed to mean something like "home" and comfort. not sex. and it seemed slightly paternal, because that teacher was also a wrestling coach and my brother always did wrestling and he acted very paternal towards my brother since my brother (like me) always lacked a consistent and strong father-figure. I always did crappy in PE mostly because I was never athletic and I didn't care. my brother was more that person.
the going over of the grade was on one long sheet that looked more like the thing you fill out when you move into an apartment, carbon copy and all. That day I made up one thing which brought me up to 60% for PE, a D ha! i never got a D in PE even if i hated that class. I usually got As and sometimes A- just because all he really asked was show up and dress out.
but i never felt like i excelled despite whatever my grade says. i guess it was a dream about false accomplishment or failing or something like that...i dont know. when i left the gym there were containers of glue and i just had one in my hand without remembering picking it up. there was a small desk propped against the wall as I left so I set it back down next to a glue stick. (i had the liquid kind) i had this odd sensation that someone was going to assume i was trying to steal it so i was trying to get it out of my hands as soon as possible.
i meandered down the halls and came to the last door on the left which, in the elementary bldg was my 5th grade homeroom. It was math, another one of my poor subjects. though i never hated math. i actually love math and find it fun but im no genius at it and ive had my share of poor grades for math classes. i had no supplies or anything with me which made me feel so stupid and unprepared. i started quietly perusing the shelves for another copy of the textbook. the teacher never said anything, and i was doing it so quiet as if she actually wouldn't notice. i was waiting for her to yell, "what are you doing! you're disturbing everything. if you cant come prepared just leave!" i never could find an extra and someone offered to share so i did that. i had a sheet of notebook paper and i got bored since the class didn't seem that hard (even though i felt i had no right to be cocky as i had no books or anything) I started doing random algebra which was advanced for the class since all we were doing was simple 5th grade math.
they probably have started doing algebra in 5th grade now.. but when i was in school in the 90s they did not. anyway. that segment was over. just all about failed performance and feeling incredibly ashamed at my unpreparedness. i felt like a child. inadequate and stupid.

later, the dream transformed. i am older like now. i go home and were for sure not in Iowa.
whenever i get home i have to park my car by a hwy and then walk the rest of the way to my house since there is no road leading to it. the land leading to it is too rugged and sometimes marshy so i would get my car stuck for sure. so i walk it, even though it's nearly a mile away.
The terrain looks like the middle of nowhere. desert-like
I come to a pond and for some reason have to climb over it instead of just going around. maybe it's faster to just go over. it doesn't seem to be focal to the dream, the "why". water is all moss covered. i take a pretty risky jump around a bend with almost too much laxed-confidence. and get a good hold of the branch to swing out but I'm too low. i hit that gross water. and then let go of the branch. i fall all the way in, head under. my whole body submerged. surprisingly the moss and gross-looking water doesn't feel that bad. i stand as the water is maybe 4 feet deep. climb out. start making my way up a steep hill in the middle. there's all kinds of brush and mangled looking trees. why do i go through instead of around? maybe the "why" is important. maybe because in reality i tend to make things more complicated than they are. i put myself through more trouble than i need, no matter what it is that i want
anyway, i feel like climbing and rubbing against the dirt of the hill will get the moss off me and climbing about in trees will "clean" me. i make my way up this steep one. There's a spot where it's incredibly steep at first but there is a hole at the top you can slip through and then be free from the pond area. it slopes down after that nicely. so you have to go through a few seconds of it being more difficult but the reward is you get out faster.
when i get up there, the grass around it hardened and got all stiff with death and made a sort of cast. the hole that is left is so small i cant fit. i try but then get myself wedged. i start shoving through harder trying to just break it with my whole body and it takes 3-4 thrusts before it starts to give...ok my perverted mind started seeing that description as sexual... can you not? haha. it wasn't sexual in the dream though. i felt very trapped and like i was suffocating. anyway, eventually i barely fit through. made my way to the gently sloping hill. i started hopping down. the jumps i was making were a bit high. when i jumped i'd sort of float like there was little gravity. also i was wondering how hurt I'd be when I land, just like when i play fallout. actually the way your character jumps in that game looks nothing realistic but it's funny. you have to put it in 3rd person viewpoint to see how funny it looks. it was just like that in the dream. when i got the bottom and started finishing making my way home i heard barking. i looked back and saw a sheperd dog barking just about 50ft away. he didnt see me so i went on. that was it for that segment.

overhearing conversation btw clint and adam about blow jobs and whether to swallow or not.
he said his aunt did once (why he would know beats me!) and then Clint said, "well i know you dont" and adam replied "because i know its not very liquidy and im always wondering if it will get stuck in my throat"
WOW why the hell am i dreaming about that?