Sunday, January 2, 2011

back to 5th grade math, mossy ponds and blowjobs

this dream may have something to do with watching Antichrist last night since there were lots of grotesque troubling images that often had nature or sex. the film centers on two people through pain and grief over losing their child. It's hard watching that much agony and not have some sort of fucked up dream.

At first I was back in school, and when I have these dreams about falling back into school it seems it ends up always set in my 5th grade homeroom. Sometimes I will actually have Mrs. Haugen in the dream and sometimes not. This time I did. Before I came to this room I was in the gym going over my grade with the teacher I had in HS. We were lying on a blanket in the corner, which was more like a massive pile. the blankets seemed to mean something like "home" and comfort. not sex. and it seemed slightly paternal, because that teacher was also a wrestling coach and my brother always did wrestling and he acted very paternal towards my brother since my brother (like me) always lacked a consistent and strong father-figure. I always did crappy in PE mostly because I was never athletic and I didn't care. my brother was more that person.
the going over of the grade was on one long sheet that looked more like the thing you fill out when you move into an apartment, carbon copy and all. That day I made up one thing which brought me up to 60% for PE, a D ha! i never got a D in PE even if i hated that class. I usually got As and sometimes A- just because all he really asked was show up and dress out.
but i never felt like i excelled despite whatever my grade says. i guess it was a dream about false accomplishment or failing or something like that...i dont know. when i left the gym there were containers of glue and i just had one in my hand without remembering picking it up. there was a small desk propped against the wall as I left so I set it back down next to a glue stick. (i had the liquid kind) i had this odd sensation that someone was going to assume i was trying to steal it so i was trying to get it out of my hands as soon as possible.
i meandered down the halls and came to the last door on the left which, in the elementary bldg was my 5th grade homeroom. It was math, another one of my poor subjects. though i never hated math. i actually love math and find it fun but im no genius at it and ive had my share of poor grades for math classes. i had no supplies or anything with me which made me feel so stupid and unprepared. i started quietly perusing the shelves for another copy of the textbook. the teacher never said anything, and i was doing it so quiet as if she actually wouldn't notice. i was waiting for her to yell, "what are you doing! you're disturbing everything. if you cant come prepared just leave!" i never could find an extra and someone offered to share so i did that. i had a sheet of notebook paper and i got bored since the class didn't seem that hard (even though i felt i had no right to be cocky as i had no books or anything) I started doing random algebra which was advanced for the class since all we were doing was simple 5th grade math.
they probably have started doing algebra in 5th grade now.. but when i was in school in the 90s they did not. anyway. that segment was over. just all about failed performance and feeling incredibly ashamed at my unpreparedness. i felt like a child. inadequate and stupid.

later, the dream transformed. i am older like now. i go home and were for sure not in Iowa.
whenever i get home i have to park my car by a hwy and then walk the rest of the way to my house since there is no road leading to it. the land leading to it is too rugged and sometimes marshy so i would get my car stuck for sure. so i walk it, even though it's nearly a mile away.
The terrain looks like the middle of nowhere. desert-like
I come to a pond and for some reason have to climb over it instead of just going around. maybe it's faster to just go over. it doesn't seem to be focal to the dream, the "why". water is all moss covered. i take a pretty risky jump around a bend with almost too much laxed-confidence. and get a good hold of the branch to swing out but I'm too low. i hit that gross water. and then let go of the branch. i fall all the way in, head under. my whole body submerged. surprisingly the moss and gross-looking water doesn't feel that bad. i stand as the water is maybe 4 feet deep. climb out. start making my way up a steep hill in the middle. there's all kinds of brush and mangled looking trees. why do i go through instead of around? maybe the "why" is important. maybe because in reality i tend to make things more complicated than they are. i put myself through more trouble than i need, no matter what it is that i want
anyway, i feel like climbing and rubbing against the dirt of the hill will get the moss off me and climbing about in trees will "clean" me. i make my way up this steep one. There's a spot where it's incredibly steep at first but there is a hole at the top you can slip through and then be free from the pond area. it slopes down after that nicely. so you have to go through a few seconds of it being more difficult but the reward is you get out faster.
when i get up there, the grass around it hardened and got all stiff with death and made a sort of cast. the hole that is left is so small i cant fit. i try but then get myself wedged. i start shoving through harder trying to just break it with my whole body and it takes 3-4 thrusts before it starts to give...ok my perverted mind started seeing that description as sexual... can you not? haha. it wasn't sexual in the dream though. i felt very trapped and like i was suffocating. anyway, eventually i barely fit through. made my way to the gently sloping hill. i started hopping down. the jumps i was making were a bit high. when i jumped i'd sort of float like there was little gravity. also i was wondering how hurt I'd be when I land, just like when i play fallout. actually the way your character jumps in that game looks nothing realistic but it's funny. you have to put it in 3rd person viewpoint to see how funny it looks. it was just like that in the dream. when i got the bottom and started finishing making my way home i heard barking. i looked back and saw a sheperd dog barking just about 50ft away. he didnt see me so i went on. that was it for that segment.

overhearing conversation btw clint and adam about blow jobs and whether to swallow or not.
he said his aunt did once (why he would know beats me!) and then Clint said, "well i know you dont" and adam replied "because i know its not very liquidy and im always wondering if it will get stuck in my throat"
WOW why the hell am i dreaming about that?

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