ref dreams i havent had a chance to transcribe yet.... soon enough though.. but this bit for now:

My father isn’t my dad and my dad isn’t my father.

I just realized the dream I had this morning about Richard had mud and a house in the country as did the one about Steve. Only the mud was worse and horrible. But still… what does mud mean? And inadequate vehicles…

animorphs

night of 03/22 morn of 03/23

my backyard at my old house on 494 McKimber. running, just at eve. white sky and dead grass. back by where the tire swing used to be, and our tree house. the grass is all flat and dead instead of grown hihg and flowy. there are two jaguars stealthing and hunting me and i reach up with a rifle and kill them both. it feels like a videogame when im killnig them. but returns to that same dreamy languid feel as soon as they die. when i walk up to them i see that they were only antelope the whole time. they lay dying and bleeding and i felt guilty.

my mom

also from this past weekend. probably Sat nite. so 03/13 dated

sketch for now:

baths water camping kiss
feeling of burden, laden heavy annoying bother
small task could not do for me, like i was a tremendous pain in the ass.
painful and alone
dark

dream of an emotion

dreamed of being in the apt w Dan, middle of day. satnding in the kitchen with this immense uncontrollably sad feeling. it was horrid. i just cried and cried. i've never felt that kind of sadness. Dan came in and i hid the feeling from him and he started asking me about a game in the living as he turned onthe xbox. i mumbled some replythen took off for the bedroom, still needing to cry.
but he heard a few outbursts and came after me. all i wanted to do was cry alone. i had a pink rabbit in my hand and two other things. small
i came to bedroom and said, "i dont knowDan! please leave me alone!" then woke

i fell asleep at work... but only briefly.

Not that I'm in the habit of falling asleep at work, but I had a short dream Tuesday. What can I say? I slept only 3 hours the night before. So I nodded off for a moment.
...barely rested my head against my hand and suddenly I was launched into a three-second dream, which was intensely vivid and vibrant. I woke and gasped.

I had seen a simple living room, a large couch with a young girl seated on it. She has long dark brown hair. A bright golden cup lies on the floor, empty but nothing is spilled. It looks like a gauntlet; the gold is sparkly, like cheap fake decoration. Like it was painted on and not that the cup is made form gold. But it's so bright anyway, shiny, absolutely luminescent. She says nothing just looks at me sideways with those intense eyes. How can that much intensity come from a 4-year-old girl?

I've dreamed of this girl before, many times and I always feel strongly attached to her; there's something unique between us. some kind of fundamental attachment. it's like i know her so well, but i've never seen anyone like her.

flowers.

night of 2/19 morning of 2/20

all i can remember now is a large square room with hundreds of flowers lining it. and they were all so neatly placed about  in rows.. it looked somewhat like the iowa state fair tables. just the tables with plants though, just that alone. everything else in the room was so bare. and the flowers were so perfect and healthy.
the carpet was a light green and the walls alternated from pale purple to just white. the next room led to carpet with darker green and someone was in the corner. I started getting so excited about all the flowers, running like mad along the rows and picking them. i had bulging clutches of it in my fists and the tulips stuck out in my mind so much.. god the tulips. those bulbs were absolutely perfect and well-shaped. i had never seen such a perfect flower. looking at it, i suddenly realized the sense of forbidden it was giving me. and i sunk in shame and just then that person in the corner was right in my face, screaming at the loss of all the flowers i just killed by picking. it was so spontaneous and an exlosion of emotin... like manic spring-like bubbly-ness.... just absolutely bright and manic.
over-excited and bursts of energy, like the most alive feeling... but not in a joyous way. not in a lively beautiful furvorous way... it was more like unnatural as the atomic bomb.

shot Kubla and Myron visit

vivid dream of dan having to shoot Kubla. reason is always unapparent at first. when i looked at Kubla, there was just a smoking hole through his neck after Dan had aimed at the head and meant to shoot him there. but through the neck instead and miraculously had missed the spinal cord and arteries. Kubla was still alive but badly injured. i felt this enormous sense of regret trying to go over in my mind, why did we shoot him in the first place? but could never remember. seemed almost out of our control.

the dream before that was in a gym or wooden setting like that... auditorium. Myron came in and we greeted each other warmly and i hugged him. it felt so real it was like he was here again. he died Jan 2 this year.